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18 January 2008 @ 01:00 am
To the Devil a Vacuum Cleaner by idontlikegravy  
I'm slightly abusing my position as mod by posting this belated response to the 'technology' post:

Title: To the Devil a Vacuum Cleaner
Author: idontlikegravy
Rating: PG
Fandom: Supernatural/Highlander
Beta: strangevisitor7
Prompt: for spn_twistedchallenge 1; for  hl_flashficprompt 'Technology'
Disclaimer: Really, really don't own them.
Summary: When Methos has problems with an uncooperative vacuum Duncan turns to a hunter contact from his past for assistance.

To the Devil a Vacuum Cleaner
Duncan reached Methos’ apartment to find the front door unlocked. Methos’ cryptic summons on the telephone had already made Duncan concerned, and this latest development didn’t help matters. He pulled his katana out from his coat and gently pushed the door open. As he stepped into the hall, he removed his coat and dropped it to ease his movement. After a couple of paces, he felt the Buzz of another Immortal.

 “Duncan? Is that you?” Methos called. His voice came from the direction of the living room. Duncan followed the voice, still not lowering his guard.

 “Yes, it’s me,” Duncan answered. He walked into the living room and stared at the devastation that surrounded him.

 “I suggest you climb on the couch,” Methos said from his position perched on a high back dining chair. Seeing that Methos was safe, Duncan put his sword down and stared at his friend.

 “Sorry, did you just say climb onto the couch? What the hell’s going on here?” Duncan said, confused and a little amused by the ridiculous sight of the world’s oldest man standing on a chair, like the housewife in the old Tom & Jerry cartoons. He stayed where he was, hands on hips, waiting for an explanation.

 “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you lose a couple of toes, it’s your own fault,” Methos warned. Duncan wondered if the years had finally gotten to his friend. Suddenly, something crashed into his ankle, hard enough to cause a loud crack as the bone snapped. Duncan let out a cry of pain and began hopping on one foot. “Get on the couch you daft bastard, or it’ll have the other one too!”

 Duncan did as instructed and looked around frantically for the culprit. He spotted a glint in the corner of the room as it moved, and saw that it was a large, motorised circle of metal, about the size of a dog bowl.

 “What is it?” Duncan asked.

 “It’s my new vacuum is what it is. I’m away so much; I thought it was worth investing in one of those new robotic ones. It’s supposed to clean up when you aren’t around. But this one’s gone haywire, and started attacking anyone and anything! It’s like it’s possessed,” Methos explained, bitterly, “I’ve tried to capture the little horror but I practically lost a finger. Damn thing has had me trapped in this apartment for hours!”

 Duncan burst out laughing.

 “You’ve been trapped…by a vacuum…” he managed between guffaws, “Wait til I tell Joe about this!”

“Don’t you dare! This is too humiliating as it is,” Methos snapped.

 “Can’t you just switch it off?”

 “I’ve tried that,” he groused, holding up the remote control for Duncan to see.  “It’s jammed on somehow. And I’ve tried cutting the power source,” he pointed to the large power supply sitting on the coffee table, “But it must have a backup. It just won’t stop.”

 “Maybe it is possessed,” Duncan suggested. Methos snorted.

 “Don’t be ridiculous MacLeod. I don’t believe in demons or the devil.”


 “Look at the source. According to the Bible, I’m a harbinger of the Apocalypse!” Methos said.

 “And your point is exactly?”

 “Don’t snark, MacLeod, it doesn’t suit you. My point is: there is no such thing as demons or possession.”

 “What about Ahriman?” Mac asked, suddenly serious.

“Except Ahriman,” Methos conceded, “Although we never actually found out what that was.”

 “Evil. That’s what it was,” Mac answered darkly. Methos didn’t like the way the conversation was going, so he switched tack.

 “Whatever. Even if, and that’s a big if, even if I concede that demons exist, do you really think it likely they’d possess a vacuum cleaner?” he asked.

 “I’ve seen stranger,” Duncan replied cryptically, “How else do you explain it? You said yourself that you cut the power, it should have stopped by now.”

 “That is true. Okay then smarty pants, what should we do about the little bugger?” Methos asked. Duncan picked up his katana. “Whoa there! Mac, do you have any idea how much one of these babies costs?”

 “You can afford it. If you don’t believe its possessed then this seems like the most expedient solution.”

 “Expedient? Yes. Satisfactory? Hell, no!” Methos said, jumping from his chair to stop Duncan. He leapt back up, quickly, as he heard the whirr of the vacuum’s motor.

 “Then let’s go with the possession angle. I’m going to need some salt. We’ll sprinkle some around our mechanical friend, if there’s a demon in there we might be able to trap it,” Duncan reasoned. He cautiously got down from his perch and made his way quickly to the kitchen.

 “You’re completely insane,” Methos called after him. Methos heard the whirr of a motor and several grunts of pain as the vacuum caught up with MacLeod.
Duncan brought back a tub of rock salt and poured a little onto the carpet, then jumped back onto the safety of the couch. The little vacuum cleaner came out to investigate. As it paused in front of the salt line, Duncan quickly completed the circle. The machine made a noise that sounded like an angry growl as it moved back and forth within the confines of its salt prison

 “What the hell...” Methos began, as he watched the tiny machine batter itself against an invisible barrier.

 “I told you. Do you see?” Duncan said victoriously. They both climbed down to examine the vacuum

 “I’m not sure what I’m seeing,” Methos confessed.

 “Your vacuum is possessed. The rock salt trapped the demon,” Duncan explained. Methos sniggered. “Don’t believe me? Then why hasn’t it just sucked up the salt?”

 “I….er…” Methos stammered, lost for words for once. Duncan nodded with a small amount of triumph.

 “Now, we just have to find a way to exorcise it,” Duncan continued as much to himself as Methos. “I’ve never dealt with this kind of possession before, so I don’t know the precise incantations…”

 “Exorcise? I can’t believe this. I’m not sure what’s worse: that you’re blithely talking about an exorcism like it’s an everyday occurrence; or that I’m going along with you!” Methos said. Duncan ignored him and continued to think of a solution.

 “Ellen.” He grinned at Methos. “I’ll ring Ellen; she’ll know what to do.

 “Who’s Ellen? Another conquest?” Methos sneered, though without much feeling. The thought that his vacuum might really be possessed was beginning to worry him.

 “No one you know, but someone who deals with these kinds of things all the time.” Duncan said evasively and gestured for the phone. Methos complied, and Duncan punched in a number.

 “She’s had her appliances turn on her has she?” Methos quipped. Duncan made a shushing gesture with his hand as he listened for an answer.

 “Ellen?....Hi, it’s Duncan MacLeod….Yeah, it has been a long time…how are you?...” Methos glared at Duncan and indicated with hand signals that he should speed up the call.

 “I didn’t give you permission to run up my bill chasing old girlfriends,” he hissed.

 “So, Ellen, look I’m sorry but this is a business call….yep….got a vacuum cleaner that’s…well I think it’s possessed but it could be cursed; not really sure.” Duncan went on to describe the situation. “No I don’t have any Holy Water…” Duncan glared at Methos, who had started laughing at the mention of Holy Water. To his credit, Methos was able to stifle it to a snigger. “Yes, salt does seem to contain it...”

 Duncan waited as the voice on the other end stopped, “She’s checking a reference” he explained.

 “A reference. What a Vacuum Cleaner Manual?” Methos snarked. Duncan was called back to the conversation before he could respond. 

 “Yeah! Ellen I’m still here. Uh-huh…uh-huh….okay, let me get a pen…” he felt his pockets and found a pen, but no paper. Duncan scribbled at the air for a second, and Methos reached to the table once again, grabbed a memo pad from it and tossed it to Duncan. “Go ahead Ellen…”   Duncan said, and began awkwardly trying to write down what she said whilst balancing the phone in the crook of his neck. His centuries of martial arts paid off, and he managed to complete the task at hand. “Thanks Ellen. I’ll be in touch real soon… No really, I promise. Bye,” he finished and hung up.

 “So?” Methos asked, uncharacteristically impatient.

“She’s given me the Latin we need. I just read this out and poof, no more demon vacuum.” Duncan replied. Methos laughed, but stopped at the look from Duncan.

 “Go ahead, try, I’ve tried everything else,” he said, gesturing to the little robot, which was still trying to escape from its salty prison. Duncan turned his attention to the vacuum and began to read,

Licentia is vacuum , pulvis diabolus quod reverto quo vos venit. Reverto ut spurcus abyssus ut producto produxi productum vos.

 As Duncan spoke, the vacuum began sparking and fizzing and the engine growl became louder and more high pitched, until it was almost a scream. Duncan repeated the phrase over and over, walking around the vacuum and occasionally sprinkling a little more salt on it.

 After a few minutes of this, the crescendo reached its peak, and the vacuum promptly exploded, scattering bits of metal, plastic and dust around the room.

 "Thank you MacLeod,” Methos said, “Thank you very much, you’ve just completely buggered several hundred dollars worth of machinery! You owe me a new one,” Methos demanded, gingerly picking up the wreck.

 “What are you talking about? I got rid of the demon! It’s not my fault that it took the vacuum with it,” Duncan protested.
“No, what you did was pour salt into its workings until it went kerblam.”

“You…but…You won’t concede that it was possessed, will you?” Duncan said.

 “Not unless you concede that it could equally have been a mechanical fault,” Methos replied.

 “A mechanical fault that made a vacuum cleaner attack people and become allergic to salt. Oh yes, that’s entirely possible,” Duncan replied sarcastically.

 “I’m glad we’re in agreement then. So you owe me for a new one. Come on,” Methos said, heading for the door.

 “Where are you going?” Duncan asked.

 “I told you that little terror had me trapped in here for hours; I’m going to Joe’s of course. You’re buying. Consider it compensation for mental anguish,” Methos replied with a grin. Duncan knew it was useless to argue. Instead, he picked up his coat and followed.

Ith: Methos - Laughithildyn on January 18th, 2008 01:37 am (UTC)
LOL! Your brain is a scary place, m'dear :)
But, I don't want to be a pie,: methos 2idontlikegravy on January 18th, 2008 05:56 pm (UTC)

*twirls evil moustache*

How do you think I feel? I have to live with it!
I will call her George: Duncan and Methosstrangevisitor7 on January 18th, 2008 01:53 am (UTC)
LMAO - I absolutely adore this!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: evil giraffeidontlikegravy on January 18th, 2008 05:56 pm (UTC)
You do? Gosh, that's a surprise. ;-)

Thanks hun :)
The other Weird Al: Highlander - Methos solves a problemaeron_lanart on January 18th, 2008 02:40 am (UTC)
Oh dear *g*. Maybe that's what is wrong with mine...

Love this, but not sure I really want to know where it came from.
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on January 18th, 2008 05:55 pm (UTC)

Well the comm is called spn twisted ;D

I've decided 2008 is to be my year of crack. You have been warned. *g*
Jennifer/Gail: Methos_rear1lferion on January 18th, 2008 05:03 am (UTC)
Ya know, it is frighteningly easy to picture one of those things being possessed, or infested by aliens, or whatever.

Hysterical image though!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: fryismidontlikegravy on January 18th, 2008 05:53 pm (UTC)
Yeah, they're getting too smart for our own good. I mean have these people never read any Phillip K Dick?! *grin*
I will call her George: Happy Methosstrangevisitor7 on January 18th, 2008 07:10 pm (UTC)
You know the classic Scifi Saying "If you give it a brain, it will try to kill you"
But, I don't want to be a pie,: methos3idontlikegravy on January 19th, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC)
Trystan: Immortal!Deantrystan830 on January 18th, 2008 08:29 pm (UTC)
strangevisitor7 posted some recommendations, and this was one.... i'm ....familiar enough with HL to find this completely and totally hilarious. :D
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on January 19th, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed it, welcome to the insanity. :)
Trystan: jensen ::guh::trystan830 on January 19th, 2008 07:17 pm (UTC)
hehehe that sounds about right. :D
Sophie: squeesophiedb on January 18th, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC)

Horlicks sprayage has occurred..
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on January 19th, 2008 02:19 pm (UTC)
Oh noes! Horlicks is too valuable a liquid to waste! Very sorry. ;-)
izzy_the_unbreakable: spirits inctheatervine on January 20th, 2008 12:24 am (UTC)
Ahahaha! Awesome.
Full Circlesteelvictory on February 13th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
My ex-roommate had one of those. It tried to eat me a few times. Maybe that was why....

Great story. Thanks for sharing!
But, I don't want to be a pie,: pleased hamsteridontlikegravy on February 13th, 2008 12:56 am (UTC)
*snorfle* They are vicious when riled.

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it.
bugeyedmonsterbugeyedmonster on February 7th, 2009 05:43 pm (UTC)